“Remember that every day is a new day and we can start again. Whatever you didn’t like from the day before — just change it the following day.” Gaby Velazquez
Gaby is a longtime mom, AMI Montessori trainer for ages 0-3, and a guest on this latest episode. A few of the topics/questions covered:
~“I just don’t have time — what do I do?”
~“Is my child behind language wise, and how do I aid him?”
~“Montessori at home — what’s that like?”
~”How do I help my child become a great eater?” “Did Maria Montessori herself have anything to say about early eating, e.g. baby-led weening?”
To reach Gaby, visit her on Instagram @gabyv.atoi.
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About Jesse McCarthy
For over 20 years, Jesse McCarthy has worked with thousands of children, parents, teachers and administrators — as a principal for infants to 8th graders, an executive with a nationwide group of private schools, an elementary & junior-high teacher, and a parent-and-teacher mentor.
Jesse received his B.A. in psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and his Montessori teacher's diploma for ages 2.5 to 6+ from Association Montessori Internationale (AMI), the organization founded by Dr. Maria Montessori.
Jesse has spoken on education, parenting and child development around the globe, from Midwest America to the Middle East, as well as at popular organizations in and outside of the Montessori community: from AMI/USA and AMI/Canada to old-school Twitter. Jesse now lives with his family in South Florida where he heads MontessoriEducation.com and, alongside his wife (and young son), runs La Casa, The Schoolhouse.
Transcript: Am I doing what’s right for my baby?
The educator Dr. Maria Montessori once said, “The child developing harmoniously and the adult improving himself at his side make a very exciting and attractive picture.”
Jesse McCarthy: Welcome to Montessori Education with me, Jesse McCarthy, where we talk raising children and educating students while bettering ourselves right alongside them.
Gaby Velazquez: I think probably to remember that every day is a new day and we can start again. Whatever you didn't like from the day before, just changing the following day.
Jesse McCarthy: That was Gaby Velazquez, a friend and colleague of mine who I am happy to have on the show for a second time. Gaby is a mother herself. She has a grown daughter and she understands the real life challenges of being a parent. So that's all the ups and downs that each of us ultimately has to go through. She also just gets children and really well, a lot of that comes from experience. So she is 20 plus years of teaching in Montessori schools, that's in Mexico and the United States. And some of that probably just got absorbed, you know, growing upuse her mom was also a Montessori teacher. Gaby is now a trainer of teachers. That's with Association Montessori International, or ami. and she currently basically gives courses to both teachers and parents around the world. Gaby is super knowledgeable about children from the age of 0 to 3. she knows a lot about children all the way up, but zero to three is her specialty and she shares what she knows in a down to earth way. That's actually helpful. I would say that's versus, you know, this preachy or dogmatic kind of style, that sometimes can be in Montessori and I just enjoy talking to her. note that I'm not going to do any solo wrap up at the end of our conversation. so if you want to reach out to Gaby at the end of the show, just head over to the podcast episode page @montessorieducation.com and there you'll find a link to contact her. All right, let's get to it. All right, Gaby Velazquez, so happy to have you back on the show.
Gaby Velazquez: thank you Jesse, for having me. M again, it's always a pleasure to talk with you.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah, definitely. Likewise.
I get a lot of parent questions about balancing parenting with two children
So I thought I'd just hop in. I get a lot of parent questions, one that comes up a lot, and I don't think it's that easy of a question because it takes theory, takes practice, just takes so much. So parent might come up, they've had a second child, maybe this, maybe the child, six months to a year and they have an older child that say two and a half or a three, three and a. And they said like what do I do? Because I'm trying to balance both of these. But you know I know a little bit about monster. They're in different stages or I can see they're in different st stages but I have to work with both of them. Like how do you manage with such disparity in your family? Like what would you tell a parent like that?
Gaby Velazquez: Well I think first of all there has to be an understanding that if there's a couple in the family, right if there's parents, a couple of parents, everyone is responsible. It's not the responsibility of one or the other. So we can share these responsibilityilities. Usually what I recommend to the parents is try to have at least a moment during the day that is just you and your two year old, you and your baby. So for example if you have a six month old and you have a two year old and you have the ability to stay at home to take care of, of the baby and the toddler is going to the school, well in the morning when you are with your 6 months old all your attention is going to be to this baby. This is your opportunity for bonding and start understanding and reading why my baby praying this way or at this time they like to eat better. So you start learning and discover more your baby. So by the time that your two year old come, here comes the importance of having a network of support. No, if I have my six month old but now I have my two month old, maybe I can ask my neighbor or I can ask my partner or I can ask my parents or someone to help you to take care of the baby for perhaps half an hour, no more than that. And then you have this half an hour just for this two year old. So it's important that they still have that time. I think sometimes we don't plan that part. we are excited that we are having a second baby but there has to be a planning we have to start in. The two year old has to be integrated in the process of I don't know, buying the clothing for the newborn or preparing the space for the new baby or something that doesn't work is for example if this 2 year old used to sleep in the parents bedroom or this two year old for some reason was sleeping in a crib that ah, all of a sudden before the newborn arrived they take away. No, you cannot sleep with us. You have to sleep by yourself. You, you have to give this to the baby because now you are an older child. That is exactly what will cause the opposite effect. There's going to be more resistan and more rejection to the new baby. So if we integrate the older child to receive the new baby, then the things will be a little bit smoother. But it's important that yeah, we try to have each of the parents. It's important that they have their own activity with each of the children. It could be, I don't know, let's go and feed the dog. Let's change the diaers of your sibling so they have to be integrated in the activities. But this individual activity, I think it depends on much of the weather. It depends on much of the level of energy of the child at what time the parents are a little bit more available in some sense. But it's important that we make time like one on one with each of the children. I that can make a difference.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. And it's so what's interesting, I can just imagine somebody go listen, when am I going to find the time to just be with one of the kids? Like we have to be with both them because the time we don't. And it is interesting because being in an education, working with children for all these years, I remember people, it's like you're telling me all this stuff about parenting but wait till you become a parent. You know, this was the classic line. And when I became a parent, interestingly, and now I ah, have ragnar is almost three. I'm m doing everything I thought I would do and it's going pretty well. So. So I believe that's but one thing that has been, I think when you're a parent you realize is this time you don't have it. You just literally don't have as much time. So it sounds like a lot of what you're saying is a lot of purposeful planning and thought about how you're going to spend the time with your child.
Gaby Velazquez: So yeah, I think organization and planning is the key. If okay, let's prepare them the home before the baby arrived. Let's start trans planning because my child is now two years old. Let's make some changes or new materials or new toys or new books outside because now it's getting older. Let's prepare different areas of the home because now he can help us to, I don't know, put the laundry in the washer, put the dishes in the dishwasher so we can integrate the child more in the different, different activities of the Household. I think it's planning and m. I think it's also what do you feel comfortable or how much you can do with this child, I always believe is more the quality than the quantity. The quality of time is so much important for them that what's the point of spending the whole afternoon? if you are like not available physically, Your body is there, but your mind is not there, you are not there. So I know it could be challenging, but it's not impossible. We can just plan, we can organize, share their responsibility. I think that is the key. Sharing the responsibilities.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. So, and I mentioned this, not to say that, oh, wellow, people don't have time, so how could you dare tell them to plan and so forth? I say it more and what I found is if I'm not taking that time to step back and going, okay, how can I think about making this easier or better versus just acting? Going, going, you know, going. It becomes chaotic if I don't take that break to plan. and I just, I wonder if people's sense of there is no time, I don't have time. As like, I start adding up. Let's say I'm on five minutes on Instagram and then five minutes, you add up even 20 minutes. If you took 20 minutes a day and just planned out, what am I going to do? What you were just suggesting for the next day, that could be incredibly helpful in implementing some of the things you say. But it can feel like there's zero time. So I'm curious, have you seen that?
Gaby Velazquez: Okay. But I don't know if it's that we don't have time or we are expecting something, we want the results right away. I don't know if it's st because sometimes I can have, as you say, if we can go to Costco together and I am bonding and I am having an activity with my child. No, I am here with him and we are putting the oranges in the car. So this is an activity and this is the time that I, am giving to my child. But sometimes I think, I wonder is if we are expecting these perfect behaviors. We are expecting that everything is going to be perfect and smooth. And the reality is we have to work towards that. But it's a long process. And children are developing. They still don't have self regulation. They don't have even language. Not to say, I'm really tired. Not, I'm not grumpy because I just want to be grumpy. It's like, I'm tired. Could you please tell me to fall asleep because they don't have that ability yet. So sometimes I wonder if it's that we don't have the time or that we have huge expectations. I don't know if.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah, no, no, I think. I think that's a. That's a big part of it. And even you're saying, you know, you're going to Costco and putting the oranges. I think a lot of people think of like, oh, I've got to take my kid there because I don't have time.
How do children develop social skills if they don't see more people
They're not looking at it as like, no, that's what you want to be doing with your child like that. I remember I was talking my wife and one of us, I don't know which which one was, had to have a go to the doctor or an eye doctor or something like that. And I thought, we're trying so hard for the other person to take care of Ragnar's son while the other one goes to the appointment where I'm like, this would be great for him to come because he gets to see what. What do I do at my eye contacts. I know one of those. And it's just like he sat on my lap and he's so curious. But I think we don't think of those things as four children. So the time. The time that I spend with him doing those now, I know now I'm just like, this is for him and me. But it's. I don't think of. I don't think a lot of parents think of those as, this is learning experiences with my child and we're both gaining, you know, I don't have to.
Gaby Velazquez: Hm.
Jesse McCarthy: Book a different time to play with him when it's just. It's like, no, this is my time with him, you know, So I don't know if you. If that integrates with the approach you have with Montessori and parents generally.
Gabby Velazquez: Yeah, that's the idea. The, adult at the end is the one that is linking the child with the world. Right. So how exactly the child is going to develop social skills if they are all the time inside the home and they don't see more people, how exactly they're going to learn how to, I don't know, be in, a concert if we don't take them to, a sponsor. So we're expecting some behaviors, but we are not exposing the children to that. Soadually, we need to start, like, opening the world. for example, going to the grocery store is a great, sensorial and language, experience for the children? No, because they see a lot of people. you can give it, I used to go with it to the grocery store with my daughter and I used to give her like a, not a flashcard, but the board that has like different fruits. So I was asking them, okay, which are the fruits that, that we're gonna get to the today. And she was pointing, she was not even talking. So she was pointing on the board and then I was putting like the limes or the apples or. So that's a lot of sensorial information. They touch, they feel, they can smell. In some groceries you can even chast the fruit they can see, I don't know, the people that is like carrying all these traits with the bread and things like that. So it's a lot of sensorial information and a lot of language that you can give to the children at the end. We are social human beings, right? So how are they going toa learn to interact with other people if they don't see more people? So we need to start gradually start expanding their environment. That is an activity that you can do with your children that, well, you will just spend the money of your groceries. But besides that, everything is going to be free. The people that they interact, they flow. Everything is going to be for free. Or just think about going to walk around your block. It's like the flowers and you talk about the trees and let's just stop because there's a light. So everything that they are absorbing from the environment is helping them to make sense of what is this world. What is the meaning of being a human being. And those interactions that we have during the whole day with our children, those are the activities that help us to connect with them. How do you know that your child is hungry? Exactly. How do you know? Because the way that they start crying or because they start rubbing their eyes. So you start identifying all, all these signs that your childice is tired because of your constant interaction with them. But if you don't have this interaction, how you goingna know? So these small, connections or these small moments that we have during the day, that's the special moment that you have with your child. It's not about having the whole weekend and 500 activity. No, it's every day. Every day. No. I know that when my child wakes up, he needs to drink water. I know that he likes that I open the curtains like super slow. So you start knowing your children because you have this interaction. So it's just this small moment. It doesn't have to be 30 hours in a week? No. Yeah, it's just whatever we can have right now, today.
One concern that comes up a lot is about language with parents
Jesse McCarthy: So let me in line with this because you're out there, you're socializing, you're hearing people speak. one concern that comes up a lot is about language. You know, whether is my child's too delayed or you. I could speak, I could see their child and they're speaking fantastically. I't he needs to speak more, she needs to speak more. So there's usually a concern of my child's not speaking enough or my child needs to be have more sophisticated vocabulary. So what's your view on language? You start at ah in the womb and you know, do you take the child out and hear all sorts of different voices or do you want you to be alone with your child and have that really clear language as I'm speaking to you? What do you think with language, with these concerned parents thing the thing is.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, I think there's like three main milestones that the parents are always concerned. When is my child, it's going toa have enough coordination not to start writing. That's one of the main concerns. When my child is going toa walk when my child is going to talk. And I think we need to understand that development is really unique in every human being. There's people that can run super fast in two seconds and there's people that is going to take us forever to reach the goal. So each of us, we are so unique in that sense. But the development of language specifically, it depends on much on the language that we have in the environment. So if we don't talk to the child, we't, for example, all the maternal care activities, changing the diaper, feeding the child, bathing. So all these activities. Do you change the diaper or you rate your baby and you'quiet or you are constantly talking like let me move your leg and now I'mnn clean your. Let me wipe your face. So we are constantly telling them what we are doing. It'by instinct. It's so natural that we do that. The amount of language that there's part of the environment is exactly the amount of language that they are absorbing. Okay, but there's something really important here. There has to be a need of communication. But if my child is always pointing and you are giving them everything, so what is the need of the child to talk? If you are pointing, they are pointing and you are like giving everything right away. I'm go going toa say something that sometimes people don't like so much. But I believe that children need a little bit of struggle pro like having to figure out how to tell you I want to drink water in that cup. They need to figure out what they're goingna do. They're go going toa grab you, they're gonna point, they're goingna give it to you. So finding a way to communicate, you're helping your child problem solving too. But going back to language, theount of language that the child is going to talk is based on the language and the environment, based on the needs that we have to bring to the challenge. There has to be a need to communicate something. And the other thing, there has to be connection. Do you want to talk with people that. Have you ever been in a situation that you are sharing or you are talking with someone and this person is with their phone and they are like aha. Uh-huh. Do you think that they are listening to you? Do you feel the connection? Not really. The same happened to the children. What's the point of wanting to express that? I need something. If you're in front of your phone.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: I don't know if you have seen in instagram and YouTube these videos of babies or well, toddlers getting in front of the TV or in front of the phone so the parents can see them.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: So the message that the chal is sending is I'm here. We need to communicate.
Jesse McCarthy: Right.
Gaby Velazquez: So something that we have been observing, after Covid. Yes. There has been a delay in language because there was not a lot of social interaction too. There was, there was a little bit of lack of support in children were not attending schools. Right. Their social interaction was really limited. So I think that parents should not be so concerned about language. Yes. If your child has two years and a half and your child doesn't say not even one word. The first thing that I always apply to the parents, first of all, go to check if your child, can hear. Well, sometimes children in the first three years of life, their immune system still developing, it is kind of weak.
Jesse McCarthy: Right.
Gaby Velazquez: So they have a lot of respiratory, they get really sick, they have a cold or a flu or something like that. If we don't take care of that, sometimes that can go to a, a constant ear infection. So when children are in the sensitive period of language. Right. That they have this attraction towards language. If they have constant, ear infections. It's like when you dive in the pool and you're in the pool and someone outside is trying to say something and all the sound, sound like all distortion. It that's exactly how they are perceiving the sound. So the first thing that I always recommend is check their hearing, how much percentage they can hear. The other thing that I asked them is, please turn off all your screens. No screen times, no phones, no tablets, no tv. That is becoming a big obstacle for language development.
Jesse McCarthy: Y.
Early detection can make a difference, so ask your pediatrician for referral
Gaby Velazquez: And the same the overuse of pacifier that is causing also delays in language. So those are the things that I always recommend. Start with that. And if Your child is 2 years old and he's not saying any word, well, it's important that you go with your pediatrician and ask for, a referral. Because something that we also know is that early detection can make a difference.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Sometimes it could be a speech, sometimes it could be hearing. So, sometimes it could be that they don't understand the context. So there's things that we can do now in our early stage instead of waiting until your child is three years old before. And they can.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. Mean the things you're saying. It's fascinating because this element of the medical profession right now, so pediatricians. So, you know, I taught fourth through eighth grade. So sometimes you would see these issues pop up so much later because it's like, oh, this child's not the rec curive or the writing is really poor. And we go. When we find out that he can't even see the board or something, you know, like. So it's crazy that these, these delays or these lack of hearing or lack the sights messed up, they get caught years later when it seems like you, you should be really checking your child's ears and eyesight as soon as it's possible to do that with a child. but I also feel that, like, I've seen this now in practice through the years. We will catch something as Montessori teachers because we're just around thousands of children, and we're not just looking for illnesses. We are actually seeing these children. So we'll catch something and say, you know, you talk with a pediatrician. The pediatric said, oh, no, everything's fine, because they. They're not seeing the same type of issues because they're looking for more medical problems.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah.
Jesse McCarthy: So what have you. What do you tell a parent when a pediatrician is like, oh, no, that no big deal or something? So. Because I tend to think of it as, like, you've got to do your research with your pediatricians as well. Just like if you went to a Montessori school, you make sure that it's a good Montessori school. Right. So have you, have you run into that problem? What do you do with parents?
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, I experiencec, situations like that. I always say to the parents, trusting your instinct, if you know that something is a little bit off, you are not crazy, just trusting your instinct most of the time or I think most of the time we are right as parents. So in C. I need a referral. I would like to have early intervention. There's. There's a really nice website that I like. The name is pathways.org. they have checklists, they have some brochures and they have some check this really general. Okay. that could. As a parent, I think that can give you also a parameter. Okay, where is my child right now? It's not that they are completely. I trust in this checklist. But this is something that again you need as an expert. And if your pediatrician is saying no, everything is okay and you still believe that, no, it's not okay. Try to find out what's the name of the doctor for the years I can't remember.
Jesse McCarthy: I don't know. I would just call it an ear doctor, but I'm sure there's some very.
Gaby Velazquez: Okay, ent.
Jesse McCarthy: The ear, nose and throat doctors is ent.
Gaby Velazquez: Just ask, ask for our refair. contact someone. And so that's what I used to do with parents. The thing is, in that sense, I just want to clarify. most of my experience was in Mexico. Okay, that is a little bit different how we address these kind of situations. But what I have seen here in the US is that is there's a lot of, there's a lot of support from different organizations of how to receive early assessment. You can even check with your insurance if you can have some kind of assessment because again language. Sometimes it could be because the child cannot see so they cannot see your face. Or I have seen children that for example, they might be. We might think that they have challenging behaviors and sometimes is'that they cannot hear well or that they don't have language so they cannot interact or they cannot follow an instruction. So I think it's important to know that there's resources and I have seen it in different insurance that they provide these services too that you don't necessarily always need a referral.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah, so I think, I mean, I'm saying I think there's probably some similarities that Mexico's, you know, like very high level elements in Mexico, just like in America at places. So I think even to jump into kind of a broader issue I would say is we're in Montessori education, which is what, like, maybe 1% of EDUC education, like, it's, it's not a norm. So it's interesting that I find that in our field we might say, oh, go talk to the pediatrician. But it's almost assumed that, oh, well, they're in the medical profession, so they'll be fine.
Gaby Velazquez: It's like, this should know.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. So there might be 1% of pediatricians who have a unique approach. They believe in medicine, they believe in objective studies and science, but they're looking at things differently. So, I'll give you an example. And this is not to be controversial, but just to be thinking independently. My wife and I, we don't. We didn't have a strong opinion on vaccines. Good, bad and differentent. It was like, let me do the research independently. So we did the research and we decided, yeah, most of the vaccines we want for our child. Some people are going to hate me for this and some people are going toa love me.
Gaby Velazquez: But.
Jesse McCarthy: But what was interesting is when we went to like, do research on our pediatrician, like 95% of the places said, we will not accept you if you disagree with vaccines. So it was. You were immediately rejected as a patient. And my whole thing was I wanted to go to the pediatrician to ask them questions about vaccines. But you couldn't even go there because you were already assumed if you were against vaccines or if you cannot even be a patient. So it's just one of those things that I'm raising because I'm concerned that this sense of independent judgment as a parent, as a human being is kind of getting thrown aside. Well, just listen to your pediatrician or just listen to your Montessori teacher. As if you don't have to make judgments about anything, you know, you.
Food for very young children even this is a very touchy subject
Gaby Velazquez: Something that, I do, for example, with my students, I have a class of children's rights. And we all assume that. We all know that children have rights. Right, but not necessarily we know which are the rights. So the same way that children have rights, parents have rights. You need to know what is your right when you go to a doctor. You have the right to ask for your records, you have the right to ask for a referral. So you have rights, but we don't know. So those are the things that, as you say, when we want to go to an expert in this case, to a pediatrician, I think we need to ask question. We have the right to ask questions. Yeah, like, as you say, when you go, to look for a Montessary school you have to ask questions.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: What is yourtural? Where did you study? So you ask questions for everything. We ask the questions why we cannot ask questions for the health of our children.
Jesse McCarthy: Yes. So this is. And so maybe segway into a very particular subject. Yeah know, and it's funny because this is kind of an interesting segueway thinking about it. Food for very young children even this is a very touchy subject because a lot of, a lot of people will say, well, don't ever give young, young children solid foods because they could choke on it and you're risking death. So I don't want to scare anybody, but Gabby, I definitely have views on it and just raise my child'three what is your take? Given you've studied this age? You know, zero to three, like this is what you do. What's your take on developing eating habits? Food with young children developing up.
Gaby Velazquez: Okay, so something that I think there's some fears that are really cultural because I see, for example, when I was working training in Asia, children at fourth month old, they are eating fish and they are not even questioning if they'going toa have an allergy or they are eating tofu and they are not even questioning if there's going to be an allergy.
Gaby Velazquez: It's part of their culture here. I think we have a lot of fears of so many different things. I noticed that every day we are delaying more when to start the winning process. That winning is when you start introducing solid food to babies. My advice always with the parents is first of all, take out a CPR training. If you have a CPR training, you will feel more in charge. You will know what you need to do in the case of an emergency. That is really unusual. children have a gagging reflex. So this gagging reflex is exactly that. When they feel that they're gonn choke, the food goes out. Right. But we don't know, or there's a lot of adults that they don't know that children have this gagging reflex is completely different from choking. The other thing, there's another reflex that they have the tongue. Tongue, Trust, reflect. That is that every time that they feel something around the mouth or the tongue, when they are around four to five, six months, they're going toa push whatever they are feeling. So imagine that you are starting the whning process. You put the food in the mouth of your baby and your baby, by reflex push the food out immediately. You think o my baby doesn't like the food or my baby is Making these faces because he doesn't like the food. Everything is new. So they need to get used to all these ah, new experiences because everything is new. there's a new position. No, because they have to be in a seated position. They have now the ability to grasp the food and bring it to their mouth. So that is also something new. The food is different. The texture, the flavor, that everything is going to be different. So food for us in Montessor is an educational ah, tool. I can enrich vocabulary food. Through food, the child can connect and adapt to their culture. It's not the same, my Mexican children that we start eating beans and rice not really early that, children in China that they have a completely different type of food. So through food we connect with our culture and with our immediate family. I think there's a lot of polarization about food and wening. But for me the most important aspect is the adult. The attitude of the adult make a huge differ in how the ch is going to receive the food or not. And sadly today I see children that they even need to go to therapy to learn how to eat. Because instead of starting in these really precious time when they are around four to seven months, more or less around that time we are waiting sometimes when they are one year old. So this huge attraction that they have towards food is going to be not so attractive anymore. Yeah, right. So the more that we delay a process, the more that we delay for them to reach this milestone, the more challenging is going to be after that. So then it's when we have children again that they need to go to therapy to learn how to eat. Children that they don't know how to chew when they are two years old because they only eat apple. What's, what's an app?
Jesse McCarthy: Applesauce. Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Not even, not even like natural applesauce. like from a pouch.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah, yeah. This, this squeezy ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: So this is making all these, I.
Jesse McCarthy: Think this connection, this goes back to. I mean it's like you're connecting two things. The fear of my baby choking, which is like that, that is the fear of. And that's the fear of almost death. My baby's going to choke and die, which is very frightening. And then it's the time issue, I think that's integrated. So those pouches, they're just giving such ease. I can just whip a pouch out and put it. Now I can tell I'm coming from personal experience. I mean I knew this stuff early on, but it, that ease is Going to cost you. You know, that ease is really going to cost you if you do that. Because that's. These kids that have that ease, from my experience, are the ones that will only eat chicken fingers. They will only eat pasta because all you've given them is this simple, starchy, basic thing.
Gaby says the fear comes from not knowing what to do with child
so I wonder, Gaby, with this eating, do you, you know, you say it's a cultural thing. Do you think it's an American thing? I know you travel to many different countries.
Gaby Velazquez: I don't want to say something.
Jesse McCarthy: No, no, no disrespect.
Gaby Velazquez: I don't think this only American. This is, this is something. it's a natural fear that comes by not knowing. When you don't know, you don't know. Right. If you. All your life you haven't been around children, and all of a sudden you have a child and you were not prepared, of course, you don't know what to do. but there's a lot of resources today. There's a lot of books. My advice always is, again, thinking that there's, It doesn't matter if it's a single parent or is a cop. One of the parents for sure knows how to cook something. Right? We can take.
Jesse McCarthy: That's a big assumption. That's a big assumption, Gabby.
Gaby Velazquez: Assuming that one of them know how to cook. So how about if there's one day where we go and buy everything for how hard it could be to bake a, sweet potato. It take you how much? 20 minutes, 30? I don't know.
Jesse McCarthy: I've got a great link, so I'll put that in for sweet potato.
Gaby Velazquez: Okeet pot. You bake the sweet potato. Just mash the sweet potato. And that's a perfect. You have something to give to your child. No. So the idea is that when the CHL is around 12 months, they can even eat the same food as you. That, that is the idea. If you start when the child is around four, like five months, more or less, I think is the fear. Yes. The fear is a big obstacle. And it's thinking that this is really hard time m consuming, but especially not knowing the benefit that it will bring. Not only the nutritional value for the growth of your child, but the sense of ownership and the sense of healthf suffic that it will bring to your chat. I know I g not give it to your child.
Jesse McCarthy: It's amazing because, you know, I've been in this for so long, such as yourself, and it's like, I knew all of this. Like, I work with older kids generally you know, say two plus. But. So I knew all this theoretically, but seeing my own son in the payoff like that, he, he decides, okay, I've had enough. he cuts his own food, he knows what size of food to eat. he tries everything at least once. And it's all because of what you're saying. This weaning. I think we started about six months and then by 12 months, as you said, he's eating what we're eating to different portions, obviously in different sizes. but there is one element I would say culturally, and again, I haven't traveled broadly to say exactly, but in America children are treated as other than, they are different. If you go into a restaurant, there's always, you know, I can go into the most Japanese sushi place or Indian place and there's a kids's meal with chicken fingers, you know. So I don't. Again, you've traveled. I'm curious your take, if it's different. But you don't see like a women's menu at restaurants, an a men's menu or a black person menu and a white person? Men. No, because we're human beings. So I don't think we look at children as one of us. It's like this little thing that's different, so they get a different menu. And I understand portions obviously need to be different. So it's a kid'menu but it's a completely different food they're getting at an ethnic restaurant in America. So again, do you see anything different? Do you think America stands out or is this the trend across the world?
Gaby Velazquez: I don't know. I'm not so sure because I seen. I don't want to generalize, but of course I live here in the U.S. so what I see more is people from the U.S. and I don't know, I don't want to generalize. I think it's more, more related to how confident the parents feel about this process, how prepared they are, the support that they receive. Ah, something for example, that children that go to middle schools, Montsori middle schools. One of the big workshops that the guides have for needle appearents is cooking. Let's have a cooking session. We help them to prepare a full menu. We cook all together. We talk about how we can store and freeze the food so it's less time consuming. So I think it's just planning. But planning, as you say it take time, andation. Yes, yes. And right now you can find really good resources about. Because always I receive also the question that what is the main difference between the Montessori approach for winning and baby let win letin baby ledin something Baby led win. Yes, yes, that. I think the main difference is that we use a play, that we use a placemap and we have smaller portions. That's the only difference.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Montessori baby led weaning can be confusing to parents
Ah, but I now being in a gabi, I think a lot of these like, like Montessori, like what actually is actually directly since you are a trainer, you are ami the official Maria Montessori thing, you, you are it. So where is there in Montessori where it says this is what you should do from Maria Montessori saying this is how you should feed a three month old, a six month old, a nine month old. Where is that?
Gaby Velazquez: There's not. Well there's some references that we can find in, in her work. It was more Silvana Monanao. Dr. Silvana Montanao, she was one of the first zero to three trainers. AMI zero to three trainers. So just keep in mind that zero to three assistant to infancy. It started when Maria Montessori was in India. So Adele Costi, that was part of her big team, she's staying in Italy, she continued with Montessori schools and she was the one that point out to Dr. Montsori and say, you know what, I think we need to start a little bit earlier. These children are coming around three years old and they already have certain habits or patterns. So we need to start a little bit earlier. So it was around the time where Dr. M. Montsori was in India like 40 weeks, 47. Not around that time when Adelea Costani, under the supervision of Maria Montsori, started developing what we know today as a assistant to infancy. So after that then Silvana Monanao, she brought all the medical aspect to the Montessori course, to the 023 course. And it was her the one that incorporated how we should do the approach to food to win. It was exactly Dr. Monanao. So it has a scientific approach also. No, there certain signs that we need to observe, certain internal signs that we don't see. Like thezy signs that they need the, the digestive system needs to start producing. So those are the things that we don't know. But it was Syvana Monanao, the one that brought this, this approach, this size of the table, where to see the psychological separation, the meaning. So and how this impact, especially if the parents are breastfeeding this child, the psychological implication and preparation for these separation. So there's a whole psychological process that we talk about in our courses in that sense.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. So. Because the reason why I'm asking is not to like say, oh, this is not.
Gaby Velazquez: No, no, no, no, no.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. It's because I like, I think of like I used a program called Solid Starts or less. I wouldn't even say I used the program because we didn't even pay for the program. We just looked at some of how they approached it, which is a very pop. I don't know if you're familiar with Solid Star. It's very popular, but it's basically quote baby led weeanie. It's troubling to hear these things like baby led weanning. Like my 6 month old is really in charge of everything, which is not technically true. So. But I think sometimes we get stuck up on these words. Like people say Montessori baby led weaning versus baby led or the Montessori floor bed versus a floor bed. Do you know? So that's what I'm, I'm raising. So parents get confused over like, wait, is it a Montessori floor bed or is it a floor bed? Is it Montessori baby led weaning or is it baby led weaning? It's like that. It tends to be confusing to parents because they're thinking of it as like Montessori has these five things that you must do or something, you know. So how do you think of that?
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, that's interesting because, I think a lot of people think that if it has the name on Thessari, that means that it's really Montessori.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: And usually when something is Montessori never have the name Montessori. She never even used. She didn't even want to use her name. No.
Jesse McCarthy: The child's method, right? Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah. So she doesn't even wanted to use her name. I think for me, whatever, any activity, any place and anything that helped the child to develop and to fulfill their needs and to connect with the world and be a decent and lovely human being. M. That's exactly what is mon. Sorry, no. Is there respect that we have to each other is how we interact, how we learn, how we. So that is mon. I know sometimes, for example, there's some materials and some students say, well, in this store, they say that this is the Montessori, ball or the Montessori box. Or they say here it's. It doesn't have the name. M. No. It's so interesting. I think sometimes we just. People just use her name.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Without knowing all the amazing work that she really all the foundation that we have because of her. So I don't know. It's hard to say. Sometimes I, when I have my school in Cancun, people just to ask me how do I know that this is a real month. So school.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Ye and I was like well we don't have plastic, we don't have diapers, we don't have these, but we have these, these, Theseent that.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. So I mean I think that goes back to that independence point. You need to, we all need to be looking at this from an independent view versus you know, somebody told me X and now I'm going to do it because it's supposedly Montessori. Like I don't know if it takes work, and maybe kind of connected on them. I m just looking at the background that you have. You have these shelvings and so forth. And I know we're talking about Montessori X but for a parent with a 0 to 3 year old Ordy who's coming into this world, how do you think of Montessori home environments? I mean is that the way you look at it? Like this is a Montessori home environment or do you look at it like use Montessori principles to make your home inviting for the child. How do you frame that?
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, we all, we always use the term a home environment. Know how to prepare the home environment to support child'development we never use even, we never use the word monssori. We don't say the monssori home. We just say the prepare home environment. Something like that. So the idea of preparing your home is to support the childhood, become independent. Not because we don't, not because you should not be taking care of your child. It's because the more things that your child can do by themselves, the self esteem is getting stronger and the more confident they are, the more that they want to do things and the more that they want to explore. And the more that they explore, the more that they know.
It depends on the culture, it will depend on the space that we have
Right. That's the idea. So there's so many ways that we can prepare our environment. It has to be bas first of all on the space that we have. We need to consider if this is and the culture Oay because there's cultptures that in the same room is for everything. For cooking, for eating, for sleeping, for everything. It depend on the culture, it will depend on the space that we have and it will depend if we are preparing an environment. It's not the same an environment for babies that an environment for toddlers, it has to be different because their physical abilities are completely different. Usually we start with a room or the space where the baby is going to spend more time. And the parents need to decide if they want to have their child in their room or if they prefer to have their child right away in their independent space. That is something that we always, explain to the parents. Parents need to feel confident. Okay, if the parents are all the time in fear that how about if my baby stop breathing? How about if my baby get tled in the blankets or something? The first thing that we need to work is the fear. Give them tools to feel safe. It's like, how about if we have the floor bed? If you have a floor bed, the advantage is that your child can crawl up and down from their floor bed. And there's no accidents here. The child will not be climbing to try to get out of the crib. So there's less probabilities that the head will get stuck between the bars of the crib. There's less probabilities that your child will fall. And if you have a floor bed, you have disadvantages.
Montessori says every child should have their own space
So we always talk about the purp. What is the purpose of having this furniture here? Or what is the purpose of having a, small chair or having a mirr? So we always discuss which are the purposes. The idea is that, we integrate the child in the family. The child is not a guest. The child is part of the family. So the same way that you have your desk where you have your computer right now and we are chatting, the child also need to have their own space. It could be, it doesn't have to be a whole room. It could be just a corner where they have a shelf and they have their own toys. It could be a shelf in the closet where they can find their clothes. So it doesn't have to be always huge spaces, super fancy things, un expensive. There's a lot of things. There are a lot of furniture that we have at home that we can reuse. And you, can have, for example, like the shelves that I have at the back, you can have one like that. You invest a little bit, at ah, the beginning. But this is a shel that will grow with your child. So according to the abilities of the chice how many areas of the home we're going to be adapting because if you're thinking about that is already crawling. That means that I need to make the house a little bit safer. I will cover the outlets, I will remove the food of the dog or the Cat. So I need to make the environment safe for them. I always explain to the parents that it's important to consider to have a budget, not how much you want to spend, which are the areas that you want to prepare, how we can reuse them at the same furniture later. And to remember that parents also need to have their own space. The child should not, cannot be like in charge or in possession of the entire home. So we are all sharing. This is the home for everyone. So everyone needs to feel comfortable. So those are the things that I, that I talk with, them. It changed so much, Jesse. If this is for a baby, if this is for a child that is crawling or is a child that is walking.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: Another complete environment is changing always.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah, yeah. And I ask because, I think there's a, ah, this is another one where there's a lot of guilt or shame on. You don't have this, you, you have this. And it's just, I like that you start with, but you got to start with what is your, what is your space and what is your culture? Because that, that changes everything. I remember thinking of, you know, like a very wealthy person has 10, 10 rooms in their house. They might look at your studio apartment and they think, you know, that's almost like a crib. You've got your baby. So it's also, it's also relative. And then, not that one or the other is, is better in that case. But just what are you working with? I also like that you're focused on like, what is the purpose? Because I'm just seeing so much now that's just, I don't know, Montessori becomes, It is almost like, here's the ten Commandments that somebody set down. Now make sure you have X in your house. Versus really thinking, well, what's the purpose of this? And is this something we want as a family? So just at the end of the day, it seems like Montessori is like a scientific approach to children. And then you need to know what's the reason for this and does this make sense in my environment? so. But I get you. There's no way I can say, hey, what's a Montessori environment for zero to, six year olds? Like, it's like, what?
Gaby Velazquez: No, because I don't know your space. I don't know how many children you have. I don't know that, your culture. So it changed some. Much it changed.
You really emphasize independence and this idea of self esteem developing from increasing independence
Jesse McCarthy: So maybe one thing just as we, I mean we're going long, but I think it's a good discussion. So, when you mentioned you really emphasize independence and this idea of self esteem developing from the increasing independence of your child. I've definitely seen this with parents where it becomes a battle and a struggle even inside for some parents that it's either you've got these parents that don't want their child to be too independent because they want to be around them so much and it's this hard to let go, or it's the people that are kind of like, no, I got to push my child to be quote independent and all they want is a hug man, just chill out. Like just give your child, you know. So how do you balance this seeming like dependence versus independence, you know, connection versus independence? Like how do you view that whole dynamic and challenge with a lot of parents?
Gaby Velazquez: I think, I think what happened is when we hear the word independence, we'ren to relate it so much with our own experience. How much freedom we have, how dependent we were when we were children or how many restrictions are now that we have at home. That's exactly how we're goingn to think. That is the meaning of independence. Independence in the child doesn't mean that they don't need you. They will always continue needing you. It's like I'm old and I still call my mom when I need something. No. And I haven't lived with her for the last almost 30 years. Soeah likewise, we always need our parents in one way or another. The independence of the childice being able to express what they need. Being able to if now I can dress m by myself, try to do this, this action of trying to put on my shoes or trying to comb up m my hair even though I have like, like crazy hair. So for the challicee, these levels of it, it's like a stare know each acquisition, each ability that they gain is a new step towards this independent. There's different levels or there's this different independence. There's the physical independence. Now when the child is able to crawl or the child is able to eat by themselves or they are able to walk, that is like a physical independence. We also have emotional independence and intellectual independence. Not because your child wants to put on their shoes by themselves. That doesn't mean that they don't need you anymore. And as you say, the other example, pushing too hard for not only a child or any human being to do something that they don't feel ready, that doesn't help them to become independent. Becoming independent also means I can say no, that's A meaning of learning how to use my voice and saying that and see the value that I have. So, I think there's a lot of misconception about what is exactly the meaning of independence in these young children. The meaning is learning to do things by themselves according to their physical and mental abilities. That's the meaning of independence. So, but at the end, independence will depend so much on the emotional state. No, my. How self I feel in the environment, how confident I feel in the environment, how reliable is the environment. That is also helping the child to be independent of or not. That's why they rely so much on order. They need order to predict what is going to happen. There's a sequence of action. If you say after lunch, I'm going to pick you up, from the school, you need to follow that because that is helping the child to rely. And if they can rely on trust, then they can explore and do things and become more independent. So being independence is in action and in your ideas and in your words. Not just not needing people. That. I don't think that's the meaning of independence, that Mariam, monts so was talking about. But I don't know, it might be grown.
Jesse McCarthy: No. And I like you emphasizing that. I mean, it'particular at this young age. We think of independence as all the physical actions, but in reality, deep down, these things are leading to the development of the self. And you're saying it this kind of intellectual independence. I know when to say no, which is, I know as parents, you don't want to hear no all the time from your toddler who's just learned the word. But there is something pretty amazing about them being able to say no. You know, I don't.
Gaby Velazquez: Well, you know, we are so afraid that the children say the word no. But the word no is a crisis. The crisis of opposition and self affirmation. So the idea is what is when the chal are understanding the value of this word, but also the understanding that they are completely separate human being from the parents. And this self affirmation is also related with, for example, when the child start saying I know when they say I for the first time or me for the first time, it is so powerful because it's like I, I am this personate. They start understanding that. So don't be afraid if the child say no. Just be careful of how you ask the things. If you are asking open questions, do you want to eat? They're gonna say no. Even though they are hungry.
Jesse McCarthy: Want. They want it.
Gaby Velazquez: Say yes. So you have to be smart, you have to say, do you want to eat bananas or do you want to eat apple? I'm not giving you right now the option of not eating, but I am giving you the hour to decide what you want to eat.
Jesse McCarthy: Ye.
Gaby Velazquez: And that is part of independence, man.
Jesse McCarthy: I'm like. I'm tempted to.
There's a new skit about parents saying no to their children
Well, one thing really quickly I'll say is one of the deepest, most amazing things I read by Silvana Monanaaro was when she said that this stage of reaching the eye, when a child says I, it should be looked upon with the same reverence and excitement and joy that we do with children when they're walking, because it's such a monumental step. So I love that you're emphasizing the eye. And then I was just, This is where I'm, like, tempted. I don't know. But there was some new skit on Saturday Night Live with this comedian that's an inappropriate comedian, but I think he's kind of funny. And it's this idea of, like, this dad's having problems. And it's like, well, how do you solve all these problems? It's a couple of beers. And that's the solution. You have a couple of beers. And it just. This whole idea of no just. It reminded me because I just saw it. But like. So he starts drinking a couple of beers, and he. He's becoming inappropriate and do it. But he feels happy.
Jesse McCarthy: And all like, his family members, his therapist, his wife, they're all behind him sitting on the couch. And he shows up and they're like, whatever his name is, we need to talk. Please come here. And he looks back and he just. He drinks a little bit of the beer and he says no. And then I know it's not the exact analogy, but this idea of being able to say no. I know that you want that. I know that you want that for me, but no. So it's such a. I mean, this was an inappropriate analogy.
Gaby Velazquez: But you know that. Remind me, for example, when the toddlers bite by each other or they push each other or they kick each other, and we come and, we ask them, why did you hit your friend? And I. I'm like, they don't even know. Just. They want to see what is gonna happen. No, because they are exploring these social y experimen. It remind me like, no, no, thank, you. I'm fine.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. Even that question, like, why they. That's. I was like, I don't even want to answer that. No, like, they don't. Like you said they don't know, but it's like, no. Yeah. I mean, there's so many good analogies with us as adults. I mean, you just think about relationships. Like we just get stuck in these things where you think you have to answer a question or something. Like, it's like you're your own person, decide what's best.
Jesse McCarthy: So, yeah, it is. It's such an amazing stage. But again, I have a lot of empathy for parents because I'm in it. So if your child saying no all the time, it could be. It can get.
Gaby Velazquez: I know, I know. It's likeustra have to. You have two, five minutes to leave the house because you need to arrive to your work and your child decide to remove their shoes.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: I, Something that I used to say to the parents is like, sometimes remember that you are the adult.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: You are the one that set the limits. It's not the child. We respect the child. But at the end, you are the one. My trainer, her name was Sylvia Singh, she used to say that limits are like the railroads. You need always to have this railroad for your train to go any speed. No. From one station to the other. But you always need this contention. So we also need to remember that s something that helpeding independence and, and for the children to feel safe is contention.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah.
Gaby Velazquez: It's you set the rules, not the child. The child is new to this world.
Jesse McCarthy: It's so.
One of the biggest misconceptions about Montessori is about limits
And, it's so good that you said that guy. Because I think a lot of parents, even a lot of teachers in Montessoyi will say when they do that, when they set the limit, there's this. There's this feeling that, oh, I'm not doing Montessori now. When I step out and set limits, I'm not doing Montess. It's like. No, that is a part of doing it properly is the limits, as you said. So I'm happy that you raised that because I think people tend to think of when I'm letting the child do what they want, whatever that is. That's Montessori. And then when I have to step in and be an authority, oh, I've stepped outside of what Montessori teaches. It's like, what?
Gaby Velazquez: No, no. Sometimes I feel that we. We think that, Montessori is like a recipe. Know just add m these ingredients and poof. Magic. No, it'consistency. His work is limits, is patient, is being present. So at, the end, she never talk about a method? No, Mariam not sorry. She talked about a weight of, eighth for life. All the tools that you're giving to the child to be part of the world. Not setting limits, it's not exactly a way to help them.
Jesse McCarthy: Ye.
Gaby Velazquez: That's a big. One of the biggest misconceptions, I think, about freedom and limits in Montessori. Or we don't have. Or we have too many, or. Yeah, there's a lot of misconception there.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. I feel like we could talk forever, but I know that. I know now I'm getting late. My wife's probably. And they're going, what are you doing, Jesse? What's going on? but it's been a pleasure.
Gaby: I think probably to remember that every day is a new day
Is I should say before I. Before I hop off, Is there anything you would like to say before, like, I have not gotten out of you, but you really want to get out there to everybody out there, or.
Gaby Velazquez: I think probably. I think probably to remember that every day is a new day and we can start again. Whatever you didn't like from the day before, just change it the following day. I like it just. Yeah. I think. I think I say that in the previous episode is just be kind with yourself. As a parent, you are trying your best. Children, they don't come with instructions. We're figuring out how, to be with them. So just be kind with yourself and be patient, but be present.
Jesse McCarthy: I'm sure parents will appreciate that. Thank you so much again, Gabby, for coming on. It's always fun chatting with so much.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. Yeah. And I wish some of the stuff that we talk about outside of the recording, I wish other people heard because we just. We just let loose, Gabby. And I, I love chatting with you, so.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, me too. Yeah. Thank you so much again.
Jesse McCarthy: Yeah. Yeah, we'll see you on the third time when that comes about. Who knows? We'll see you soon. Yes.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah. Well, just let me know. Let me know when.
Jesse McCarthy: Awesome. Well, you take care, Gabby.
Gaby Velazquez: Yeah, you too. Thank you so much again. Bye.