What a missing boy taught me about childhood
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About Jesse McCarthy
For over 20 years, Jesse McCarthy has worked with thousands of children, parents, teachers and administrators — as a principal for infants to 8th graders, an executive with a nationwide group of private schools, an elementary & junior-high teacher, and a parent-and-teacher mentor.
Jesse received his B.A. in psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and his Montessori teacher's diploma for ages 2.5 to 6+ from Association Montessori Internationale (AMI), the organization founded by Dr. Maria Montessori.
Jesse has spoken on education, parenting and child development around the globe, from Midwest America to the Middle East, as well as at popular organizations in and outside of the Montessori community: from AMI/USA and AMI/Canada to old-school Twitter. Jesse now lives with his family in South Florida where he heads MontessoriEducation.com and, alongside his wife (and young son), runs La Casa, The Schoolhouse.
Transcript: You Can’t Force Growth - What a missing boy taught me about childhood
We want everything now. Fast food, fast shipping, fast checkout lines. And I get it. I mean, nobody is paying extra for slow service, but with kids, fast is usually the enemy because though we might want our child to change, and right now. Growth just doesn't work like that. In fact, sometimes kids will slow us down in dramatic ways, as one of my students did when he disappeared, just gone.
The educator, Dr. Maria Montessori once said,
The child developing harmoniously and the adult improving himself at his side make a very exciting and attractive picture.
Welcome to Montessori Education with me, Jesse McCarthy, where we talk raising children and educating students while bettering ourselves right alongside them.
So this disappearance happened when I was a young teacher. We had just come in from lunch recess one day, 30, 40 kids or [00:01:00] so, and a few other teachers with me. When I realized that Noah, this 12-year-old boy, he was missing. He wasn't outside, not in any of the classrooms. We checked the bathrooms, the front office, nothing.
And I mean, that's when it got scary. We called the police then his parents and just kept searching. Um. Like, it felt like forever. At one point during all this, I'm walking through the main hallway of our school, just super scared and worried. When I noticed that the door of this tall storage closet, it was slowly opening and out walks Noah, he'd been hiding there the whole time, like in a closet.
This was one of those moments. I, I wasn't even angry. I was, it was just grateful, you know, to have him back. But I did ask him like, what was he thinking? Just why he looks at me right in the eyes and says, no one would ever care if I were gone. Now this was not true. Like he had [00:02:00] friends, friends who thought he was the coolest kid around.
And a couple of us teachers, like despite wild situations like this one, actually loved him. But clearly that's not what he felt. So this gives you a little insight into Noah. Very sensitive boy. And at times I don't, just a complete handful. But I'll tell you, he was smart too, like with such a sense of humor.
Actually, this one time, um, it was the next school year, I was teaching a history class. Two different grades actually. So in the morning I was with the eighth graders, and then in the afternoon, basically the same content, I was with the seventh graders, and that's Noah's group. One day Noah comes up to me and asks, dead serious, do I really have to go to your class?
Now this kid loved history, so I'm confused. I'm like. What? And he says, yeah, I, I already heard the whole thing earlier in the day. So it's just kind of a repeat, you know? You see, the walls were thin between the classrooms. You could hear through them some, uh, we're talking voices, not full lessons or anything.
Uh, he played it perfectly straight though. Like [00:03:00] he had heard everything. When I realized it was a joke, I mean, it was like a couple seconds too late, I guess. I was dying, just cracking up, and right in front of him. And he's just got this proud, silly smirk on his face. Uh, it, it was great. But things weren't always so great, like in addition to hiding himself that one day, another time he hid his whole class's history test.
Literally, I could not find them for days. Uh, but that was Noah. It's funny. Now I can smile about this, but in the moment I was not smiling. Uh, then one random night, like months later, I get this email from him. He says, Ever since I hid the tests, I thought you didn't like me anymore. When I still really looked up to you. This would probably be impossible for me to say it in front of you. In fact, I'm kind of teary right now, but it broke my heart to think that one of my role models hated me.
It is wild. [00:04:00] Our school actually had a rule against emailing students back then, but I didn't care. I, I wrote him back. I said, I definitely never hated you. I actually love having you as a student. And it's natural to get teary-eyed when something matters. I was much older than you are now before I was able to share my feelings with those I cared about. I'd rather have you the way you are, than as some phony macho man.
Now I'm reading this exchange that I saved all these years. I mean, that's, that's gotta be like 17, 18 years ago. Um, I'm giving you the larger backstory on Noah because this boy had such an impact on me.
But ironically, I'm really sharing all this to emphasize the lack of impact my words seemingly had on him. I mean, I had imagined the next day would be this huge change. Turnaround, I'd walk into class, get a, a big hug, maybe a thank you, and from then on it there'd be this, I don't know, the new calmer, more composed Noah.
Nope. He was the same, just [00:05:00] unpredictable kid. And it stayed that way for the next year and a half with him. Like some days. I mean, he was this incredible student, just insightful. Sweet and helpful. Funny as always, curious, super productive. I could just go on and on about him. Other days though, things were just a mess.
Like he wouldn't turn in work and when asked about it, he'd just get defensive. He'd get in these intense arguments with other students, uh, even at times with teachers. And every now and again, he would do the strangest things like when he came to school one day with no shoes on, um, I remember this confused teacher, and he is a friend of mine.
He's asking him why he was wearing only socks. And Noah says, what is, is there a school rule? We have to wear shoes? I mean, I like to tell you that by the time he graduated, this was junior high. That he had everything figured out, but he didn't. He was still unpredictable, still [00:06:00] inconsistent, uh, in his academics, emotions, everything.
I really felt that we hadn't broken through. Realistically, I hadn't broken through. I wanted to see big growth and now. But it didn't happen. I left the school year with this nagging sense that I had failed him, that I hadn't reached him where it mattered. And I kind of carried that failure with me.
Which is why when I saw him a year later, um, this was at some alumni event. What happened just floored me. So I'm talking with a couple of parents, when you, outta the corner of my eye, I see Noah. Taller, calmer, just a more mature looking boy. Um, I walked over and we start chatting. Shortly into it, he is apologizing, like for all the trouble he'd given me and the other teachers.
He's talking with such sincerity and just, he's choking up a little at times. He tells me he loved being with us and that we deeply affected him. Then he lights up. I mean, telling me [00:07:00] all about high school, all the things he's learning and I mean in and outside of class, everything he's been up to : new friends, weekend outings, just life, all of it going so well.
And then it hit me, like right then as he was talking, Noah had grown tremendously, just not on my schedule, on his. And that is the lesson I learned from him. We adults, we try to force kids into our timelines, which are often based on made up ideals about where they should or shouldn't be. But real growth can't be forced.
And I mean, most of us get this at some level, like even from just looking back on ourselves as kids, yet we still push and prod and pressure. Uh, but for what, I'll give you a few examples of what I'm getting at. As a head of school, I've seen teachers stress out a child and themselves because a 4-year-old isn't progressing toward reading fast enough, when a year or two later that same boy or girl is [00:08:00] loving books.
Or think about the stress parents can feel around benchmarks, like we're all anxious about something, and children pick up on that worry. Like classic concerns, like, why isn't my child talking yet? Like he's nearly a year and a half, or. Alright, why isn't my daughter walking? She's already one, or my son just turned six months. How can I get him to start crawling?
But think about the silliness of hurrying a child to crawl or to walk or to talk. Like in so many situations, the silent message we're sending our kids is it's not fast enough, which ultimately is, it's not good enough. But why? Like how many adults do you know who never learned to walk? Or to talk?
E. Exactly. It's ridiculous. Yet, in the moment when we're emotionally wrapped up in our expectations of how things should be, it seems so reasonable. My child isn't walking by one, but he's supposed to be. Or take me back then with Noah. Shouldn't this boy have it together by now? Like we need to chill [00:09:00] out and crazy enough, our Russian kids can happen before they're even born.
How many of us were given, quote due dates for our child's arrival, and then as that date passed, we're worried that something's wrong. This, even though, of course, some kids come out later and some earlier. The due date is literally an average. Imagine the irony. We're having an anxiety attack over our child not being average.
I, there are exceptions here. Of course there can be a genuine medical concern, but that's usually after a couple of weeks, not a couple of days. The reality is we stress out ourselves and our children wanting them to change in some way. And we do this with, with newborns all the way up to, who knows, some parents are still hounding their 30-year-old kid about something.
The overall point, we have to be on the lookout for pushing children, whatever their age. We tend to think we can speed up development when most of the time we just can't. Maria Montessori has a great line around this. She said that trying to get a child to grow [00:10:00] faster is like saying to him in the morning, "Make sure you're as tall as I am when I get home tonight."
We gotta chill out. That's the message that's Noah's lesson to me and to you if you want it. We have to give children time to grow, to develop themselves. Um, I can sum all this up pretty simply at, at least from me. I think of childhood in two words. Uh, maybe two and a half. Guided self-development. We adults guide children's learning and growth. We can have a huge positive influence, no doubt, but ultimately it's their learning, their growth, their lives. And where it matters, they set the pace. Um, this point was actually made really well by Anne Frank. Uh, let me, let me grab something here. So in her diary, Anne just a child herself, she said this: Parents can only give good advice or put their children on the right paths. But the final forming of a person's character lies in their own [00:11:00] hands.
Alright, I'm gonna close up with that. If anything I've said today resonated with you, let me know. Leave a quick comment. Um, share this with someone, like it where wherever you're at. Whatever is easiest for you, please go for it.
Uh, much appreciated on my end. And if you're curious about me or what I'm up to, you can head to jesse mccarthy.com or uh, montessori education.com, as always.
For long time listeners, quick update. My wife and I are just loving our little schoolhouse here. Uh, second week back for this school year. Just really good times.
Um, our son Ragnar, is now three years old and, man, it's just, he's just a blast. Um, crazy fun interests. He likes race cars, bugs in the backyard, he's just constantly searching for bugs. Tyrannosaurus Rex, um, he's actually so helpful too lately. Last week I was at the supermarket and it was just so funny, like I could not find the specific lettuce I needed. So butter lettuce for some burgers we were gonna make. [00:12:00] And I was ready to leave. Like, I'm done, I'm, I'm about to walk out. And Ragnar says, Well, let's ask, let's ask a worker. And he just walks up to a worker, asks, you know, do you guys have this butter lettuce? And the worker takes us there and we get it. So literally without him asking, I would've went home empty handed. My wife would've been like, what the.. You know, um. I'm just so happy he's in my life. So it's, it's been good.
And that's it. Thank you all for listening in, and adios until next time.